“I can’t remember the last time I went to work sober”
They say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. For me, it may look like a problem to you, but I don’t really give a shit what you think.
In my line of work, keeping up appearances is serious business. We don’t drink, we don’t smoke and we are always kind. Except when no one is looking. I have recently said to hell with this system! When I want a beer, I’ll have a damn beer! I worked a national tour last summer and everyone was drunk. Every. Single. Night. Everyday, I had to go out and score copious amounts of champagne and semi cheap wine. About half way through the tour, I decided if you can’t join em’, beat em’ at their own game. That was the day that Super Drunk Merch Heather was born! Wonder Woman ain’t got nothing on me.
After a few weeks of working while ripped, I discovered something, I was always on the hunt for alcohol.
So, in an effort to keep my old ass out of rehab, I have turned over a new leaf. I only drink when I’m eating, and I only allow myself one beer if murdering one of the patrons starts to sound like a good idea. This amazing amount of self control has made me the, slightly buzzed but less murdery, woman that I am today. You’re welcome America. You’re very welcome.
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What in God’s name are you wearing?!?!
I am 42 years old and most days I am either dressed like a hobo or an eight year old and I am not ashamed!
My entire wardrobe consists of weather appropriate bottoms and some sort of grey top. In the winter it is a grey sweater, and in summer it’s a grey concert t-shirt. All of the other items in my wardrobe are pink. Wonderful, glorious PINK!! I have to wear black or grey to work, so naturally whenever I have some time off I wear pink. Light pink, dark pink, baby pink, hot pink, any shade of pink will do!! I have pink shirts, pink dresses, pink purses and even pink pants!! Pink is by far my favorite color!
I love reading fashion magazines and blogs and I try my best to keep up with the latest trends. I’m not saying that I’m willing to (or can) wear any trendy clothing, but I will update wardrobe staples from time to time. I love skinny jeans and I thank God for swing tops and dolman sleeved sweaters. The dynamic duo of Dolman & Swing have been hiding my king sized muffin top for months! A few months ago, a relative said that I looked really cute and that my skinny jeans were highlighting my tiny waist! She’s either blind, has low standards, really loves me, or team D&S were really working hard that night. Either way, I’m taking this as my cue to keep on keeping on with my current wardrobe.
If you are at all interested in being more like me, just cruise on down to your local Gap and pick up a pair of skinny jeans. They have stretchy ones! Girlfriend jeans are super cute too. They are also the place to go for swing tanks and super fun baggy tees. Sorry, you’ll have to score your own concert tees.
Because sometimes a girl has to look nice (no, my life isn’t all about leisurely kicking it with my homies), I have a couple of rules for dressing up. Dark jeans, solid top (no rips or holes), and diamonds. If your outfit looks too sketchy for the occasion, just zest it up with extra diamond jewelry.
While this system has worked really well for me, remember to wear what makes you comfortable. And do you really give a shit what anybody thinks? I don’t.
So Tired
Have you ever been so tired that if someone tried to kill you, you’d be like, “gimme a sec to put on some lipstick and smooth my eyebrows, because my family is hella judgmental”?
It has been a long bullshit filled year over here. My work life has been stressful as hell and my personal life is always a shit show but we can cover that in a Valentine’s Day post. With that said, I am back to beading!
In the next few weeks I will officially unveil my website (Thanks Andrew!) and I plan to peddle my wares at a few shows & such. In the meantime, keep checking OLP out on FB & Insta for previews of the lovelies that I’ve been creating!
See you around the web! Or the airport, local bars, concerts or just the general streets.
Partying with children…. Part 1
Parties, concerts, sailing, road trips & cookouts!! YES!!
Drinking beer with young people during rosè season was my first sketchy move of the summer. Shonda Rhimes had her Year of Yes, and raved about it. I decided to try a Summer of Yes, and I am headed for a 12 Step program and an early grave.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me out for some sort of activity. That turned into playing cards and drinking with a lovely couple that we are friends with (🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾💃🏾🎉). I promptly (15 minutes after I was supposed to be there) put on a clean muscle shirt, packed up two bottles of wine (sharing is caring) and headed out the door. I’m not a big card player, but this was by far one of the best nights out I’ve had in a long time! The next night I set out for a local bar with another friend and my hopes for a good time were high! Luckily I was only slightly wrong!! My first mistake was agreeing to an outdoor activity during an Oklahoma summer. My second mistake? Kicking it with twenty somethings and not being in charge. And for my third mistake of the evening I bring you, being 42! Holy shitballs, I didn’t think it was possible to sweat that much and not die!
Below you will see the ringleader of a good chunk of my summer shenanigans. Yes, he is on the phone in a bar…
The next week I went to see my Boo Joe Pug! Dear Joe, if your wife falls off, call me!!!
(I’m not sure what I’m looking at)
The show was great and the venue is BYOB so there were zero ways to go wrong!! I made a delicious batch of Palomas and Joe played all of my favorite songs #winning! After the show we had some lovely Korean food and I slept like a dead squirrel, and for an added bonus, I didn’t wake up with a hangover! With another terrific night on the books, I was ready to head into summer at full steam!!
In late June, I decided to get fully committed to Wine Down Wednesday at a swanky hotel bar near downtown. Every week I do my best to con a new person into hitting WDW with me! The food it great, the wine is always good and the DJ is pretty hot, so we always have a good time!
Wednesday is also race night at the lake! I’ve never gotten to participate in one of these races or sunset sails, but one day I will. I have gotten to go on a sail or two but I really think the racing would be fun. And let’s be honest, learning how to sail would be a bad ass skill set!
That’s all for now. Check you fools later!
Carry on, carryon, carry-on?
“Being away from home has made me a mobile hoarder”
Like I said, I travel for a living and I may or may not have an addictive personality. Plus, I’m a girl. Because of this, I like to keep all of the comforts of home handy in my trusty tote bag. The night before every trip, I sit on the couch and assess which tote bag I’ll need for the coming weekend. My orange Feed bag is great for rough & tumble weekends in multiple cities, while my striped tote from the Gap is great for one stop trips. Either way, the bag I choose will be stuffed with a hodgepodge of rando crap! Lipstick, lip gloss, mascara, Kleenex, handywipes, hand lotion (so much hand lotion), eye drops, nail files, nail clippers, notepads, pens, Sharpies, books, iPad, phone chargers, sweater, books, magazines …… You get it! As you can imagine, by the time I’ve gotten all of these necessary items packed inside, I have turned a cute oversized tote into a dangerous, toddler sized weapon! I’ve run into children, knocked over warning signs, and cleaned the side of many a parked car with my tote! Mostly I’ve just injured my own shoulder and made the TSA question my mental state.
The primary reason for carrying this thing is so I’m never without my sugar bag. What’s that, I didn’t mention that in my list of crap? What’s in the sugar bag? Well I’ll tell you! It’s a quart sized, Ziploc, bag of shame & happiness all rolled into one. It has some fabulous English candy, hand selected from the chocolate drawer (don’t think about it), McDanald’s strawberry jelly, several packs of raw sugar (white sugar is for amateurs) and a plastic spoon. Yes, all of these items are very necessary. I NEVER travel without this thing and it is usually the only thing that use while I’m out of town. Sure, the dental floss and hand lotion are nice to have, but chubby girl vice is where it’s at!
That’s enough about the tote! I’ve got to repack it and get ready to get on the road again.
